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Stories of life in flat 5

29th July, 2006. 4:00 pm.

It's amazing how quickly things can change. It's also amazing how it takes a disaster to remind you how short life is, and how easily it can be snatched away.

There is not logic, reason or sense in this world.

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26th July, 2006. 11:51 pm.

So life is pretty good for me just now. I work six days a week- 39 hours,plus some overtime. Its generally good. I enjoy it mostly.

My love life is sorted. I'm happier than ever. I'm not going to disclose too much information- its early stages yet. Lets just say that i'm fairly well loved up. And very happy.Really, truely, real happinesss.

I mean, its hard. The distance from here to Dundee and trying to keep in going, traveling and things. It gets me down a bit. But its going to be worth it one day, one day very soon. I don't know, sometimes i feel like its the most perfect thing ever to happen, and other times we argue..stupid arguements, over silly things, that last for hours. And then we make up and pretend like it didnt happen. I mean, i think its a good thing that you just move on and dont hold a grudge, but is it possible just to forget arguments and pretend like nothings happened? Is that what being in a relationship is about? Letting things go? Forgiving and forgetting- i'm not so sure I'm good at that. It's about time i gave someone everything and i had it returned, but i suppose its tricky just remembering how thats supposed to happen. I suppose, when its the first time you have new feelings its difficult. Thats the point it think- i'm more loved up than i've ever been, and maybe that means i have higher expectations than ever before, and maybe thats why it hurts more when things go wrong, but for certain, thats why things feel so amazing and wonderful when things are good. Don't get me wrong, everything is perfect, untill i get a drink in me. I'm thinking of cutting down what i drink- cos i'm a dick, and i'm gonna end up ruining something which is too good to waste, too good to give up on. And i'm shit scared that i'm gonna screw up, shit scared that i'm not gonna get another chance.

But im happy. Really Happy.

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26th April, 2006. 1:58 pm.

One exam done. Two to go. 1 Week untill the nexty. 0% revision done so far. Stressed? A little bit.

Hmm..The weather at the moment is sooo good. I'm totally loving the sun! Me, kirsty and fee when into town yesterday, and we got ice cream. It was much fun.

I may or may not have seen Jamie holding someone else's hand in town.

Every bit of sense in me says that there is no way that i could have been her. I mean, she probably should have been at work at the time, and shes ir wasnt her partner. Hmm...

Shook me up tho. And thats kinda worrying for me. I'm not meant to care about Jamie anymore...I guess it just isnt that easy tho is it?

Dont worry though, i have far too much SELF RESPECT to go there again, i meant it when i said that Jamie and I were over. I just never thought that i would feel like this again. Like i was in love. That stupid, mad, crazy, jealous, tyring, hurtful love that is my love for jamie. I'm tried of feeling like this for the biggest prick in the world.

Current mood: tired.
Current music: You're all i have - Snow patrol.

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20th April, 2006. 10:19 pm.

Everyone always mocks me when i try to be sentimental, i once put up a sentimental thing on our notice board and all my flat mates said it was awful.

So mock away. But i have a point to this post, if i can get threw to anyone of you with any tiny piece of my insight, then its all worth it. If not, at least ive got it off my chest.

If you know me, you'll know my situation with jamie. (and for an update, Jamie was a dick to me on Sunday and spoke to me in a disgusting, hurtful mannor. And despite all the attempts on monday to make up- its not happening. i will be civil, but no more)

For those of you know don't know, all you need to know is that i cared for Jamie so much. Would have done anything for Jamie and I to be together PROPERLY. I would have done anything for Jamie.

Not now though.

Jamie says i don't know what love is?

Maybe i don't but i read this thing and addapted it abit...and i have never found a better explanation:

After all this mess with Jamie, i have learnt the differnce between holding a hand and choking a soul.
I have learnt that love doesnt guarantee support and that sex doesnt guarantee security.
I have learnt that kisses arent contracts and that presents arent promises.
I now know that even sunshine burns when you get too much of it.
I know that love can be magic, but i have learned that magic can sometimes be just an illusion.

I will now learn to accept my defeats with the grace of an adult and not the grief on a child.

So even if i am addicted to pain, i'm not going back to be hurt again.



It's a sad day that i know associate Jamie with pain. Because there was a day when Jamie was everything good in my life. A sign of joy, and happiness, and hope.

Thats where i went wrong, Jamie became all i hoped for. And i let jamie know that. J is a player. Players play on knowing that you hope for them.

Let me tell you, if i had it all again, i wouldnt change a thing. I would still do it the same, and i would still go for it 100%- BELIEVE IN FIGHTING FOR LOVE! Thats what i said all along, and i've not giving up now becuase im giving up on loving jamie, i'm giving up now because there is nothing to fight for any longer because i dont love jamie anymore. I faught the hardest battle that i could- i fought it with my heart on my sleve and honest in my words.

Now, as Jamie says "regret the things you dont do, not the things you do"- there was nothing that i didnt do to make me and jamie work and therefore there is NOTHING for me to regret.

Thankyou Jamie- i have learnt more from you that i could ever have imagined.

And if i find myself in the same situation again....

I'll still believe in giving love 100%, because when it was good with Jamie, it was....LIFE CHANGING.




Right, slag away!

Current mood: hopeful.
Current music: Kelly Clarkson- Since you;ve been gone (club mix).

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4th March, 2006. 11:46 am.

Did you guys every notice...that im a fucking idiot.

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